The One With the Difference Between Males and Females…Besides Penises

It’s no secret that I live with a LOT of boys…7 of them if you count the dogs. One would think by this point that I have them figured out, especially seeing as they are really not THAT hard to figure out. Males are really very simple creatures. Maybe too simple, in fact, and that is where we, as females struggle. If a boy tells you he is thinking about nothing, it is probably true.

About a week and a half ago, I had two experiences on the same day that reminded me of a major difference between the genders. Our brains. The brain of a girl is high functioning; we think three steps ahead, we our creative, we use our imaginations. This can be misconstrued as crazy, or that we worry too much. But whatever…  The brain of a boy is just pretty simple.  A situation is just what it is. There might not be an underlying meaning or message behind someone words. It just is.

Last Friday, boy #1 was signed up with a group of friends to participate in a dodgeball tournament after school. Later in the evening, he had plans to sleep over at a friend’s house, a friend who was also on this dodgeball team. So I get a call about 2:30:

#1: Mom, I need you to pick me up now.

Me: Umm…what happened to dodgeball?

#1: Oh, one of the kids backed out and they forgot to tell me this afternoon, so I went to the gym and nobody else was there from the team, so I called J (The boy I’m sleeping over at his house tonight) and he was like, Yeah, I forgot to tell you, sorry dude.

Me: Really? They forgot to tell you. Are you mad? Are you still sleeping over?

#1: No, not mad. Yeah, still sleeping over. He just forgot, no big deal.

What?! He just forgot?! It’s that simple. And it’s okay. Oh my Lord, girls would have thought about this and been pissed for days! “Yeah right, they forgot. She was just being mean. This whole situation was a ruse…”

But not so for boys. He just forgot. Plain and simple. It’s like they know it would be too much effort and thought to intentionally do that to someone. All was right in that friendship again within about 5 minutes.

Now, the very SAME day… my darling husband was flying home from China. He was arriving very late at night so he was just going to get a hotel near the airport to sleep and come home in the morning. I was leaving at 7am to go to a baseball tournament, which meant I had to get up early. I asked Husband to please text me when he got to his hotel so I know he arrived safely.

I got this text at 11:30: Someone stole my souvenir bag from between my feet while I was asleep! I am so pissed!

That is it. The last text I got. At about 1am, when I know he SHOULD have been in a hotel, I start to worry. I call him, several times. No response. I start calling hotels near the airport. Nobody by that name has checked in. Finally, I found a hotel where he has a reservation, but he has not checked in. Full on panic mode!

It is 1:30 in the morning. He is not answering his phone, responding to texts, or at his hotel. Clearly, he is dead somewhere. I call the airport security, the parking garage, nobody can help, not even check to see if his car is there or if he is asleep in his car perhaps.

I call the local police department… or two. The hospital. The jail. Nobody by that name. Still not answering his phone or checked into the hotel.

Here is what happened (in my mind at 2:30 in the morning): He approached someone for stealing his bag and he was shot in the parking lot. He is lying beside his car bleeding out right now.

Or… he was driving and his car rolled down into the ditch ( I have no idea if there is a ditch nearby BTW). If the local police would help, they would find him and save his life, but they think I am crazy.  I read books. I watch TV. I know the faster someone is found the better chance they have at survival. How do the local police not know this, if I do?!

It is now 3am. Still not at hotel. Still not answering phone. He is most definitely dead…or dying…. or kidnapped! How am I going to tell the kids that their dad is missing? I obviously can’t go to the baseball tournament. I must let the coach know, but don’t want the boy to worry, so don’t tell him that his father is now a MISSING PERSON!

Call the police again. 3:15 in the morning. “Look, I realize I sound like a lunatic, but please go see if his car is the parking lot so I do not have to get my babies out of bed RIGHT NOW and drive who knows how far to find him MYSELF!”

3:30 am. Text: Hi babe. I’m in the car. I was tired and had a couple drinks on the plane so didn’t want to drive. Didn’t text earlier because it was like 12:30am and didn’t want to wake you up. Heading to hotel now….

Are you freaking kidding me?! Was he completely responsible for not driving, yes! But OMG, send a text! Didn’t want to keep me up… Yes, it was much better that I have been up ALL DANG NIGHT trying to find you… because surely you were DEAD in a DITCH somewhere or SHOT to death in a parking garage. Because those things make so much more sense!

I acknowledge that I might have a problem with worrying…and maybe being too, um, creative. My family has an intense worry gene that has been passed down for several generations. So I MIGHT need to work on dialing that down a notch, or two.

But also, would it hurt a boy to THINK. Maybe realize that our lady brains are a bit more complex than your simple man mind, and we think not just of the “what is”, but also the “what if”. And the “what ifs” are never good.

So, I am going to resolve to TRY to look at things more at face value…if for no other reason, than to try to live life with 7 males. B It  also might help my ulcers and anxiety if I stop trying to over analyze EVERY.SINGLE.THING.

I am also going to ask for all the boys that might happen upon this to please consider the girl brains as you live your life too. Just a simple text…”I’m safe. All is well.” Please. For all of our sanity…and so every police department doesn’t think your wife or mother is a lunatic.





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