Posted on April 20, 2015
The One With the Open Letter to Glennon…or I am not friends with food.
Let me begin by saying how much I love you. I love all of the words you write. Your beliefs about religion, JC, and loving people are right there with mine. You just make me happy and inspire me, and countless others, every time you write words. You are the definition of Ephesians 4:29 to me; only using words to build others up. And I also am not a big fan of judgy people.
This isn’t meant to be just a fan letter though. I also share a “superhero cape” with you. My sophomore year of high school, I tried the whole bulimia thing. Sill not feeling happy enough with myself I moved on to anorexia. I have tried to analyze myself for years on the whys and the causes and all of that, but I do think I just have issues… By the time I got to college, I kind of got over myself…or found beer and found that went down much more easily if I ate.
Through college and early marriage I stayed healthy with my eating. By healthy, I mean, I ate. But I was still young and worked out so I stayed pretty tiny. I was even told by my doctor I needed to gain 10 pounds if I wanted to get pregnant. Music to my ears… that I was underweight.
So here I am with four boys, and no more will be joining us, Lord help us! I am not donning my cape again, but food and I are still not friends. I eat when I’m stressed, then I feel terrible. I look in the mirror and see the cellulite and muffin top. Now, I am not fat. I am nearly 40 and a mother of 4, and have a healthy BMI. I exercise with some degree of consistency. I have never had, nor will I ever have a thigh gap though, but I do think that I am strong. But I go back and forth between, “I’d rather be a bit chubby and enjoy my life (have the cupcake and glass of wine)” and “Do not touch any sweets or you will get fat”. I really believe this is why I do not have a girl, because God help me if I stressed about my weight and food issues in front of a little girl.
I read last week on Facebook that you and food have a good relationship now. Is this really true and how? You were thanking Jesus for being able to not hurt after eating and eating when you hurt…or something much more eloquent than that. I feel like Jesus and I are pretty tight. We discuss my body being a temple often and how he made me in his Image and I am a big fan of his Grace being bestowed upon me, because I do in fact need a lot of Grace. I also ask quite regularly that as He is preparing My place it will include zero calorie cupcakes… But darn if I still don’t see that cellulite and have a love/hate relationship with food almost daily. I love food. I love to cook, and I’m pretty good at it. But I can’t help but sometimes think… I can just stop eating for a week, lose a few pounds, and then eat normally again. I know that this is not healthy, and I get hungry and miss food, and realize nobody is really looking at my cellulite, so go eat that brownie! It is a losing battle, with food being the victor.
I am too old to do this. I have four healthy, awesome kids. A husband who loves me and works hard. I am not disillusioned by the airbrushing on magazine covers. I don’t feel like I have to meet a certain standard. I am healthy and strong. I just get sick of giving myself this pep talk everyday. I want to consume food, not have thoughts of it consume me.
So is that really all, you are just healthy with food now after years of an eating disorder? Is it because you are still teeny tiny and perfect maybe…except, I’m sure you don’t see yourself that way… What is the secret to being friends with food? And if you’d like, I will ask Jesus for those cupcakes for you too.
Thanks for all the good that you do and using words to lift people up.